Okay, so this entire blog post was going to be about knitting speed. And how I don’t got it. But, I’ve been distracted for nearly AN ENTIRE HOUR by this man loudly and repeatedly talking on the phone. Phone call after phone call. There is literally a groove worn into his face from him jamming the phone into his face flesh.

Okay, I understand that I’m in a coffee shop. Technically a public place, true. Howsomever, why, why, WHY would you have your private conversations about college admissions and various teenagers’ psychological problems in a public place?

True, I hate talking on the phone. Pretty much all the time. Which is why I love texting and email. And I find it to be especially rude in a public place. I find myself longing for the days of rotary phones, which tethered people to their own homes, or a phone book outside.

Christ, I was just about to tell this guy to take his next call outside, when his terrifyingly militaristic bodyguard/spawn walked up. Clearly he needs a bodyguard, since he talks on the phone in public all the time.  Look at that frighteningly bad haircut.

The force of my hate-glare isn’t working hard enough. My revenge shall come slowly, as the brain tumor in his head slowly grows.

I just told asked him to take his next call outside and he didn’t even respond! Holy hell. How is this possible? Perhaps he’s deaf in that phone ear. He just stared at me blankly with those little pig eyes and a line of snot running down his nose.

Okay, rant done.

Now I have about one paragraph’s worth of strength left in me for the discussion at hand.

Wait, real-time interruption. Excellent. Now the jarhead has come up to me to complain that I don’t get to decide who gets to talk on the phone in a public place. That’s where you’re wrong, jarhead. I actually DO get to decide. It took all my strength to say “You’re not from here, are you?”

Okay, settling down, back to the subject at hand…

While I’m a constant knitter, I’m also a fairly slow knitter. I just finished a sweater (the super awesome Vitamin D), which is blocking right now. Among two other smaller projects on the needles (the challengingly fabulous German Stockings by Cookie A. and the Windsor Warmer from New England Knits), I just started the extra-uber-great Cityscape sweater, from Twist Collective.

I’m doing this as a knitalong with my friend Mer. It’s sort of an unspoken race. Problem is, she’s a much faster knitter than I am. The majority of this sweater is in stocking stitch. And I’ve had this almost unconquerable…urge…to start knitting Continental. I don’t know why. I’m a thrower. I do two-handed knitting for stranded colorwork, but full on continental? Well, that’s just not my bag. But apparently it makes for faster knitting. Yet when I try, my gauge is all loose and my hands just don’t want to go that way. But can I, can I really try and practice, and thus achieve the speed that continental knitters are known for?

Now, the other thing I’m really interested in is Lever Knitting. I think I already somewhat do that, but it would be nice to learn officially. But where? How?

Tell me knitters, tell me now. Do you knit English? Continental? Or do you go both ways?

More than that, my mind has been blown by the phone man and his slavish boy-servant and the altercation. Sorry for the rambling rage-filled rant, but it is what it is, and at least I’m not ranting at you out loud, so you’ve got that going for you.

Now I have to go off and knit to quell the rage. Next post: why knitting quells rage and has prevented countless murders.

“Nancy! Nancy, you’re needed in San Francisco.”

“It sounds urgent, Aunt Kathy. What is it?”

“It IS urgent, my dear niece. My friend Jenn discovered a rare vintage 80’s sweater on Etsy…but by the time she found it, it was sold.”

“Oh no, Auntie. That’s terrible. Can’t she knit it?”

“That’s the trouble, Nancy. This would be her first sweater–and I can’t find a pattern that’s quite on.”

“Have you looked at Ravelry?”

“Indeed I have, my girl. Perhaps the equivalent is hidden under another name.”

“Golly, this IS a mystery! A mystery worthy of Nancy Druid, Girl Knit Detective. I’ll get right on it, Auntie.”

Nancy hung up the rotary phone without saying goodbye, and thought about the problem at hand. How could she find this missing pattern? How could she skip school and go to San Francisco? Where would she get the money for a plane ticket? But all of this was nothing compared to a mystery that piqued the curiosity of the famous girl detective.

It must be a pattern good for a beginner, with a lot of sass, sexiness and fun knitting. If a pattern couldn’t be found, why, she’d make one! If one took slight liberties with the pattern, it could easily be knit top-down, in the round. The yoke would have the diamond lace pattern, which would lead to slimming lines of lace down to the bottom. Add a little shaping in the waist, and why, yes, this could be done.

But even better if one could find a pattern first. Nancy put on a rust orange over-the-knee sweater, a butter-colored cardigan, and her trusty brown oxfords. After all, this was going to take a lot of legwork and she needed comfortable shoes.

One plane ride and BART ticket later (luckily, the amount of reward money she’d earned in the Case of the Shattered Diamond had paid exactly that amount), she emerged into the sunlight at 16th and Mission. Gosh, Nancy thought, there certainly are a lot of people muddling about for the middle of the day. Why so much yelling? What’s that strange smell? Straightening her shoulders and refusing to make eye contact, she purposely strode toward Valencia and 19th, where she’d talk to her first witness: Princess Animal.

What do you think, fair readers? Will Nancy be able to find a pattern that works? Or should she just make one up as she goes along? What yarn should she use? Does the sweater have to be black? The suspense is killing us!

If you, or someone you know, has encountered a sweater pattern of similar mien lately, please inform the top-down, seamless authorities in the comments below.

No doubt your world was rocked this week with the news that Heidi Klum and Seal are getting divorced. Seal we know as the soulful, mysteriously scarred, stylish one-named singer of about two songs or so. Heidi we all know as supermodel, but more importantly, as the producer/host of the really-rocky-in-recent-years Project Runway. Along with Tim Gunn’s “It’s make it work time, people!,” Heidi sprouts the immortal line “Az you know, in fashion, you’re eizer in…or you’re out.”

Which leads me down this particular rabbit-hole. Follow me, dear reader, won’t you?

I recently had a little chat with a friend who seemed, shockingly, not to understand the earth-shattering importance of Princess Animal. From the outside, the World of Yarn Craft, or yarn stores, seems trivial.  But from inside our little not-so-secret, not-so-elitist society, it can be everything.

I found I had a really hard time explaining to an outsider how important the craft is to us fiberphiles.

Outside: uh, okay, you’re knitting. Whatever, old lady/man. Why would you make socks when you can buy them for a pittance of the price and time?

Inside: It’s an addiction, a life we can’t get enough of, a way to calm our minds (I’m a big fan of the neurological effects of knitting), restore order, think things through, relax, engage, connect with our special community, create, design, stretch our abilities, learn, check out, check in, show love, show art, show off, and continue a tradition that’s bound people together and clothed the world since (at least) ancient Egyptian times.

For the Princess and our Regent (me), it really is a way to connect with the People. Every day, we see the particular slightly crazy shine in the eye when someone realizes we have yarn. It’s the spark of a lot of conversations, of a pastime rediscovered or a fix fed. We can immediately tell you’re One of Us, One of Us. And we’re breeding more One of Us’s all the time. Currently, we have a little contingent of super hip 10 year olds who are big fans. Like, way cooler than I was when I was 10. I’m hoping to do an interview with one of them coming up, and Z., I think you know who you are…

It’s like the secret society anybody can join, if you have the desire to persevere. Once you get past that initial frustration, you’re in. And we’re happy to have you. We want you in our secret society. And once you’re in, yup, most likely you’ll spend the equivalent of a church’s tithe. It’s like Ravelry. You request an invitation (do they still do that?), but once you’re in, a whole world is revealed to you.

Skull and Bones. The Masons. The Yarn and Needles/and/or/Hooks. Not to get all woo-woo, but it’s all about community.

So, welcome in. The yarn’s fine.

What’s your favorite aspect of the community of yarnies? Or is it a solitary exercise for you, like onanism?

And sorry about the repeated image, here. Effing wordpress.