So, recently my friend Amy Heinz of Using Our Words tweeted that she’d pay attention to companies who listed Worst Mother’s Day Gifts. Sure, it took a day or two, but I’m taking her inspiration to heart!

Thus, here’s a tiny list of some things that might make your relationship with Mom more fraught than usual:1)

1) Fen-Phen: You’re not only letting mom know she’s a fatty. You’re showing how big your heart is by potentially letting hers explode! Fun facts: Fenfluramine was marketed by American Home Products (later known as Wyeth) as Pondimin, but was shown to cause potentially fatal pulmonary hypertension and heart valve problems, which eventually led to its withdrawal and legal damages of over $13 billion.

2) Komodo Dragon: Sure, Mom’s a huge Game of Thrones fan. Dragons are cool. But perhaps she doesn’t want to cuddle up with the largest living species of lizard, weighing in at an impressive 150 lbs. and a stunning length of up to 10 feet. These big fellas love to eat deer, but also have a sweet tooth for carrion and their own young. They’ve also been known to attack humans in the area of West Manggarai Regency where they live in Indonesia. Mother of dragons, indeed.

3) Mommy Dearest: Does Mom love roses–but hates to get her hands dirty?  Has she invested the family’s nest egg in eyebrow pencil futures? Does she love beautiful dresses–but definitely frowns on wire hangers? Nothing says “You’ve ruined me and I’ll be paying huge therapy bills for the rest of my life” than this classic film.

4) Fifty Shades of Grey: This badly-written page-turner has been dubbed “Mommy Porn.” Judging by the sales, lots of gals love to dive between its covers. But even if it’ll afford Mom a good time, can you afford never her in the eye again?

Or, you could ditch the above, play it awesome and get Mom she’d really like: hand-dyed yarn, a set of interchangeable needles, or an inspiring and crafty book. You could make Mom forever-thankful, impressed and excited…or live a life of eternal regret. Totally up to you.

I’m tres excited because a little green shoot has started to worm it’s way out of the ground where I planted some Dahlia bulbs. I’m a fledgling gardener, but to me this means…SPRING IS STARTING TO SPRUNG.

What else happens in spring? Well, sure, there’s taxes. There’s my birt-day (or as I call it “Ye Olden Name Day”). But more importantly, it’s an entire season of CUTE. It cannot be denied.

To celebrate the Season of Cute, I bring you four cute craftable cutenesses:

1) This anerable kidden, WEARING A PAIR OF PINK BUMMY JAMMIES AND SLIPPERS. Does it seem like I’m shouting? That’s because I am. BUNNY SLIPPERS ON A KITTEN! This is from Sue Stratford’s new book of Cats and Kittens. I also love the other kittens that have nommable toes.

2)This knitted German Shepard, from Knit Your Own Dog. This reminds me of Heidi, my loverly doggela (that’s Yiddish for dog, or at least it’s what passed for yiddish in our house). Heidi was the sweetest ever. So sweet she happily greeted the burglers that broke into our house who then went on to steal our TV and Betamax. Sigh. I miss you Heidi.

3)This knitted turtle, from Knit and Purl Pets. I don’t like the idea of having a real turtle, because I think it might snap off my hand and suck the marrow out of my fingerbones. But a knitted turtle seems pretty safe to me.

4) The cutest of all: a knitted sweet zombie, with detachable brains, lungs and heart. What could be a sweeter friend for a child than his or her very own undead companion? They could roam the deserted cities together, skeletal fingers entwined, hunting for brains. You know it’s spring when you start to see Zombies dotting the hillside!

How are you greeting spring? Just in case zombies aren’t cute enough for you, we do still have Knitmare on Elm Street for even cuter inspiration!

It’s been what? A month? More? I don’t even know anymore. All I know is that I’m desperately feather-dusting my chandalier (which I do have) and measuring the place settings within 1/16th of an inch on my formal dining table (which I don’t have). Frances the Cat has taken to giving me Appalled Carson looks. Or is that just what I perceive in my muddled reality?

Anyway, as the DA DT’s get ever stronger–and as the actors are dropping like flies–this cannot be true, Miss O’Brian!–I’ve tried to soothe my shattered soul with some DA-worthy knitting.

First off, from the most recent Jane Austin Knits special mag, we have the Jane Austin reticule. I knit it in a loverly slightly variegated grey, which to my mind is much more DA than JA. I have no use for such a fancy reticule, except perhaps as a combo phone/tampon holder. I went WAY overboard here and am planning on lining it with a chartreuse satin that I bought at Britex. I was mesmerized by the salesman who told me, “If you’ve knitted something as lovely as you say, you have no choice but to go with the best.” THE BEST…THE BEST…THEBESTBESTBESTBEST….

All I can say is the Dowager Countess would totally approve:

The second is the Everdeen Beanie from Weekend Hats.

I got a sample of Cascade’s new Sunseeker cotton sparkle yarn, and decided to go full on Flapper 1920′s. As Lady Mary says, “After all, grandmama, it IS 1920.”

In the meantime, I’m diving into both the miniseries and book of “Parade’s End.” Maybe after I’ll have PE DT’s.

How are you recovering from Lack-of-Downtonitis?